


the crash and the fall and you there through it all

by howtosingit



Series: more time with you: a tarlos missing moments collection [7]
Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Deleted Scenes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode 1x07, Episode Related, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Light Angst, M/M, Missing Scene, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:09:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28781040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howtosingit/pseuds/howtosingit
Summary: Carlos faces the loss of Iris Blake for the second time in three years.*A missing moment from 1x07.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Series: more time with you: a tarlos missing moments collection [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015932
Comments: 11
Kudos: 100





	the crash and the fall and you there through it all

\- - - - - -

He’s able to keep it together while he drops Michelle off at her mom’s house, jumping out of his car to give her a tight hug. She clings to him, her sobs rattling through his ribcage, before she pulls away, quickly masking her pain for her mother. He waits until she’s inside the house before he turns away, blinking rapidly to fight the sting he feels at the corners of his eyes.

He’s able to keep it together on the drive home, too, pulling into his driveway and switching off the ignition. His mind races with the image of the blue pickup truck being pulled from the ravine, along with the memory of the last time he saw Iris alive three years ago, and his heart rate speeds up, the pounding in his ears reaching a crescendo. Before he can let it overwhelm him, he pushes open the door and races into his apartment.

But once he’s inside, he doesn’t know what to do. He looks around, taking in the stillness of his living room and kitchen, the low hum of the air purifier in the corner. It’s completely at odds with the wild, erratic energy coursing through his veins, causing him to tremble in his entryway. He knows he can’t stay here, that he’s moments away from becoming something akin to a bull in a china shop; he needs an outlet, somewhere to put all of this excess internal commotion, and nothing in his apartment presents itself as the answer. So, he’s got to get out.

He all but runs to his bedroom, stripping off his jeans in favor of his running clothes. He sits down only long enough to slip on his shoes before he’s up again, grabbing his phone, keys, and AirPods and heading for the door.

He pulls it open, barely breaking his rhythm, and runs headfirst into the man standing on his front step, his hand raised to knock. Carlos collides with him, sending them both stumbling a few steps. 

“Fuck, sorry,” he cries, reaching out to grab TK’s gray hoodie right before the other man falls into the bush next to his front walk. 

“That was a close one,” TK says, a grin on his face as he rebalances. Carlos watches as that smile slips away when TK turns to look at him, replaced by an expression of concern. “Carlos, are you okay?”

The words run through Carlos’s mind, his brain somehow unable to process them fully. Is he okay? He’s been fine for three years, he’s pretty sure, but maybe that was just a facade. Maybe he’s just been faking his way towards fine all of this time. Finding the truck, the one that they’re pretty certain Iris was in the night she died, it’s like facing her disappearance all over again. He thought he was ready, that he could handle this, but maybe he was wrong.

Then, there’s another part of him that doesn’t really know why this is hitting him so hard. They haven’t even started the full investigation of the truck yet, they don’t even really know that they’ve found the answers that Michelle has been searching for this whole time. Carlos understands the process, lives by the process - in general, by process itself. He knows how this works, so he doesn’t understand why his brain and his heart are intent on skipping all of the steps. They’re still at the beginning, there’s a lot that they don’t know, so why is he acting like they’re at the end? 

It’s not what he does, this isn’t who he is, and he doesn’t know how to make that make sense to himself, let alone try to explain it to someone else.

Someone else like TK, who is standing in front of him wearing a terrified expression and… oh, he’s calling his name.

“Carlos!”

He snaps out of his mental traffic jam, his eyes darting everywhere. He can feel his chest rising and falling, can still hear his heart pounding in his ears, but he tries to ignore it, to focus on the man in front of him instead.

“Did we have plans?” he asks, his voice thin. He honestly can’t remember, and that’s not at all like him either; he never forgets his plans, especially ones with TK.

“Um, not exactly,” TK says, the words coming slowly as he reaches up to rub at the back of his neck. “But, I remembered you saying you had the night off, so I thought I might stop by and see if you wanted to-”

“Do you want to go for a run?” Carlos cuts him off. He knows it’s rude, and typically he would never do something like that. He can practically hear his mother scolding him from San Antonio, but he pushes that guilt away. The loose canon of energy that has been coursing through for the past ten minutes is starting to build again, and he needs to do something about it. Now.

TK’s mouth snaps shut, his eyes roaming over Carlos, obviously trying to figure out what exactly is going on. He’s sure he looks a mess, if not a little terrifying. He tries not to look like this ever, too intent on appearing professional and put-together at all times. He knows he’s definitely never looked like this in front of TK.

“Yeah, sure,” TK finally says, gazing into his eyes. 

Carlos nods, quickly turning to lock his front door before moving past TK. “I move pretty fast, so try to keep up,” he tries to joke, but his voice doesn’t sound right for it to really land. TK seems to understand his intention anyway, if his smile is any indication.

“Show me what you’ve got, officer,” TK says, falling into step next to him.

They race through Carlos’s neighborhood, side-by-side, and then into the park at the end of his street. He doesn’t bother with his AirPods, content to listen to the sounds of wildlife all around him and TK’s steady breathing right next to him. 

They run for what seems like forever, Carlos pushing himself harder as his mind attacks him with memories of happier days spent with his college best friend before she disappeared out of his life in the blink of an eye. They hadn’t been as close then, with him joining the academy and her… doing something else. Whenever there was time for them to hang out and catch up, she would cancel on him, without explanation, and he eventually learned not to push for her attention.

He’s always hated being the one doing the chasing.

There’s anger now, too, mixed with his grief, and he allows the strain of his muscles to push forward and overcome those feelings. His eyes burn, and he knows he’s crying now, after having kept his tears at bay for so long, but he lets them come, lets them mix with his sweat and disappear as if they never really happened at all.

The entire time, TK runs at his side.

They re-enter his neighborhood, finishing a full loop around the area, and as they come up to his front yard, he pulls back a bit, reaching down for his keys. TK lets out a huff next to him, a sound of pure relief, and Carlos can’t help but smile at the sound. 

“Holy fuck, that was brutal, man,” the firefighter says, gasping for breath. Carlos turns at the door, key in the lock, to find him hunched over with his hands on his hips. 

“C’mon, I have water,” he says, ignoring the garbled tone of his voice. 

They step inside, Carlos moving towards the fridge to grab two water bottles. He hands one off to TK, who takes it with a weak “thank you” before unscrewing the cap and lifting it to his lips. They drink for a moment, the same silence from the run taking over the space. 

They stand close, and Carlos has no idea what to say. TK puts down his water and turns to look at him, his face flushed and his eyes bright.

“You were crying,” TK says knowingly, without preamble. Carlos’s breath hitches in his chest, swallowing heavily as the other man takes a step closer to stand right in front of him. Without a word, TK brings his hands up to cup Carlos’s face, his thumbs moving to brush away the sweat and tears from his cheeks. “Talk to me, Carlos. I’m right here.”

He hears the sincerity in TK’s voice, recalls similar words coming out of his own mouth only a few weeks ago, when the tables were turned and TK was feeling lost. He opens his mouth, trying to say something, anything.

“I…” he starts, trailing off with a huff when his voice cracks on the single syllable. He feels raw again, like all of his thoughts and emotions are just beneath the surface, wanting to push through. He thought the run would help, but it didn’t. He thought pushing himself past his comfort level would leave him empty, but it didn’t. He doesn’t know what to do now.

TK’s grip tightens on his face, almost as if he can tell that Carlos is thinking about running away again. Their eyes lock, and Carlos lets out a breath for the first time as he stares into those bright, lovely, wonderful green irises; the ones that haunt his dreams and make him feel bigger than himself. The ones that ground him.

_Oh_.

There’s a shift at that thought, the notion that TK grounds him, and he knows without even thinking about it that it’s true. 

All he needs is TK.

Before he can even begin to process that revelation, he finds himself pushing forward, whining as he captures TK’s lips with his own, his hands coming around to hold the man close to him. 

There’s a moment of shock before TK responds, but when he does, Carlos feels the way that he pushes into him, both of them trying to find some sense of control in the unexpected moment. 

Their tongues tangle together, dancing through familiar choreography from months ago like it was just yesterday. It’s a language that they speak without needing to learn, a conversation that comes naturally and fills Carlos with a yearning so strong that he wishes to never be parted from TK again, lest he forget how magical it is to know this man in this way.

And then, TK loosens his hold, pulling away suddenly.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he says quickly, taking a step back. “I shouldn’t have… I didn’t mean to… I’m so sorry.”

Carlos watches him struggle to find his words, shaking his head as he steps closer. “No, TK, stop. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Carlos, you’re clearly going through something,” TK explains, his voice sharp as his eyebrows furrow in concern, “and I want to be here for you, but not like this, okay? This isn’t what you need right now.”

“Yes, it is,” Carlos says automatically, and he knows it’s a lie but he can’t help the way that his heart fills with hope at the idea of holding TK again, even just for a moment. “It’s exactly what I need.”

“Carlos, please,” TK pleads, stepping close and taking Carlos’s face in his hands again.

“I want you here, TK, I do,” Carlos says desperately, placing his hands on TK’s hips. “Believe me, I want you right here.”

TK’s expression softens at his words, his lips pulling up into a sympathetic smile. “I want to be right here, too, Carlos,” he admits, his voice barely more than a whisper. “But it can’t happen like this, okay? You’re hurting right now, whether you want me to know it or not, and I can’t be a thing that hurts you even more, no matter how good it might feel in the moment.” He leans forward, resting his forehead against Carlos’s own. “Please, I know you can understand that.”

The thing is, Carlos does. He’s self-aware enough to know that he’s trying to mask the events of today behind something that he knows he wants, something that he knows will bring him a moment of peace. But TK’s right: the moment will come to an end, and if they don’t talk about it, it won’t end well. For either of them.

They both deserve to have this moment when the time is right, not when it’s forced inside a different, painful moment. That’s not fair to them, or their relationship.

“I’m sorry,” Carlos says, choking back tears as his vision blurs. “I’m sorry, TK.”

“Hey, no,” TK cries, pulling him into his arms. “You don’t have anything to apologize for, Carlos.”

Carlos buries his face in TK’s neck, finally letting go of the pain from earlier. He lets TK guide him to the couch, where Carlos curls into his side, continuing to unleash everything that has been weighing him down for the past few hours. He feels himself drift off, the exhaustion from his run and his day with Michelle finally pulling him into sleep.

When he wakes up, he’s still on the couch. His shoes are off and a blanket covers his body. The lamp in the corner provides the smallest amount of light, and as he looks around, he realizes he’s alone. 

A note sits on the coffee table in front of him, the paper pulled from the grocery list pad in the kitchen. It’s a simple message, just a few lines. 

_Sorry for leaving, I didn’t want to overstay my welcome. Text me when you’re up for it. -TK_

_(I’m not running away.)_

Carlos’s head falls back onto the couch cushion, and in no time at all, sleep pulls him under again.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](https://howtosingit.tumblr.com/)


End file.
